Insanity (A Poem)

 

Insane

I don’t want to hear the voices scratching around inside my brain

I’m trying to tear out the thoughts that are driving me insane

And just when I start thinking that life’s feeling calm again 

I split, I sabotage, and my life goes down the drain… 

My brain is itching on the inside

You can’t see the violent war

My conflict bourne of insanity 

I can’t go on like this no more

Insanity is rising

I’m slowly going mad

My impulsivity is destructive 

My behaviour is getting bad

It’s only a matter of time

Before I self implode

How do I put on the brakes

And take a different road

What does self love look like

What does it even mean

When abuse and lies are a normal life

How do I now feel seen

Accepting my own feelings

As valid and respecting who I am

Take baby steps to learn self love

And doing what I can 

Reach out to friends and loved ones

Who have shown they have my back

Turn away from the haters and fakers

And protect from their attacks 

That insanity that was rising

Is starting to simmer down

The life I knew was chaos

But slowly I’m turning it around 

Self acceptance is powerful and probably the key

To letting others love me too

And being the real me 

Acknowledging my darkness

Accepting all my flaws

Allowing myself to feel good

And letting myself have more 

Valuing my presence 

Respecting my boundaries 

No longer caving to overwhelm 

And losing to insanity 

The voices are now silent

There’s peace inside my brain

And I know if I lose control 

I can find my peace again… 

~ Becki Huggins ©️ 2022 

Run (A Poem)

 You better run

You better hide 

There’s no escape

From what’s inside 

You can scream 

And you can shout

But there’s no reprieve

From what you let out

Darkness falls 

truth will reveal

What is lies 

And what is real

You cannot run

You cannot hide

From that which

You keep inside

You’re only sick

As secrets kept

Speak your truth

Be free of debt

Face your fears

Take back your power

Befriend demons 

In your darkest hour

Why do you run ?

Why do you hide ?

The love you seek

In you, resides. 

Neuro-Spicey

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD - and am on the waiting list for an Autism assessment, I have a lot of other health issues that often tie in with these, such as HyperMobility (I would like to get this explored further to see if I have EDS due to the nature of things like the way I scar, difficulty swallowing sometimes, and my skin type (soft almost baby like feeling), it can also attribute to looking younger than I am (I often get pegged as a lot younger than my actual age of 44! - I was still getting asked for ID in my 30’s!) 

I am an ambulatory wheelchair user using a variety of mobility aids (and sometimes non) dependant on how my disabilities effect me on a day to day and hour to hour - even minute to minute basis. I also have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome & Fibromyalgia. In 2021 I got Lyme disease from a tick bite in my back garden and this contributed to a further decline in my health. 

At the time of writing this I am also recovering very slowly from an ear infection - seems to be fungal based (ew) and due to damp and mould issues in the Housing Association property I reside in with my Mum and the lack of space am urgently trying to find somewhere safer and more suitable to live.

 I am also waiting for a tribunal for P.I.P disability benefits - my second one in a year! As well as awaiting an upper tribunal decision from a previous one last year. 

I am raising funds in the meantime to help support my needs with things like automated items to help care for my cat, supplements, and items / experiences and therapies  to support my health.

If you would like to help out my Go Fund Me: https://gofund.me/c2817132
 

Estella Mia-Bella

 

My adorable bundle of void Estella, a beautiful Bombay cat 🐈‍⬛ rescued from the Cats Protection League.

She has an Instagram account @estella_mia_bella

(Un) Lovable - A Poem

 

Unlovable

I feel so ugly from all the pain

I feel unlovable from the weight I’ve gained,

I feel ashamed from all the abuse

From being lied to, about and used

Discarded, unwanted, left to die,

I feel so little of me left inside

My spark has gone, I’m tired of life

Of the struggle, the torment, the fear, the strife,

Of walking alone, my needs unmet,

Struggling to love myself, feeling dirty, unkempt

All I wanted was kindness and love,

But if I can’t give it to myself

Then what am I worth?

My darkest thoughts would take me away,

To not have to endure yet another day,

Of sickness, of loneliness, of pain, of despair 

I held onto a love, that wasn’t really there,

A fantasy, or delusion, it kept me alive,

But without it I ask myself, what’s the point? Why?

But if I dig deeper, past the hurt and the pain,

A glimmer of hope, to live life again, 

To find my joy, in the smallest of things,

To greet each morning with thanks, is where I’ll begin,

Build up my moments where I can appreciate 

Find things to love instead of focused on hate,

Validate my feelings, accept who I am,

Surrender to love and my divine plan,

Maybe I’ll find love when I let it find me,

Open to the unexpected, embrace the mystery,

Allow myself to grieve, for this too shall pass

And maybe, just maybe, I’ll know love at last. 

~ Rebecca Huggins ©️ 2023 

Hey Hey Folx!

 Welcome to my personal blog space, where I share stuff from my life, my experiences, my food, my art, my poetry and more…

My name is Rebecca (also Becki, Bex),

I am a gender-queer demi-girl, (pronouns are she/her, xe/xem & fae/faer - I have 3 different gender expressions as femme/female/woman, masc presenting boy-girl, and Non-Binary, all express at different times in different ways, but I don’t generally disclose as I am still exploring this myself. I am pansexual and hetro-romantic.

 I am also a vegan, witch and an artist. I am a big geek, into video games (currently my main love is Warcraft) I love comics, especially the X-Men, and create my own - The Sanctuary over at www.thesanctuarycomic.com.

I also work as a Twin Flame Reader, & Witch at The Dragons Lair over at www.ThisIsTheDragonsLair.com

I hope you enjoy the content here!

Bex

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