Behind Closed Doors (Part 2)

 

In continuance of my previous post about the relationship I was in there were of course, many incidents, one of which involved C going to prison at the early part of the relationship, for fraud. He stole money out of a cash box from a company he did graphic design for. 

He went to Milton Keynes Prison I think it was for a month or so - I remember marking the days off on the calendar. 

I would visit him every week, and looking back its insane to think I did that now. I lied to my Mum and sister about his time away saying he had “gone cycling in Canada” but they figured it out. Ironically at a later date after I left him I do believe he did actually cycle abroad…

Then he was locked up again several years later but this time for parking one a S.O.R.N and not paying the fine - honestly I was annoyed at this because he got away with other stuff but then got locked up for something he didn’t do - as he had actually parked his car on our allocated parking space which had a curb that separated it from the public road - and despite this he was in prison wrongly for several weeks - later being let out after his conviction was quashed - had I not seen the paperwork myself though I would probably not have believed it…

He broke into a shop in Northampton town with some of his friends, and I actually reported him to Crimestoppers despite the fact I was with him at the time. They did NOTHING despite me giving details of the incident and his name and address!!!

A few years ago I finally reported his abuse to the police as well as a technical SA/Rape whilst I was having a paralysis episode from my FND (functional neurological disorder) - but because it was historical with no evidence it wouldn’t go anywhere. 

However I made it clear I wanted the police to know in case anyone else ever reported him so it was on file. The FND unsurprisingly I developed / was triggered by the abuse in that relationship - I also still have PTSD from it. Being with C  left me terrified of men, unable to have a relationship and sick and disabled - more so that I would’ve been without the trauma and abuse. I lost my flat, my health and my sanity for a long long time. 

I have been in survival mode for so long that once I left the relationship all the repressed stuff came up and has been seemingly unending for the last 15+ years. However nowadays I feel less afraid of the past and more hopeful for the future even if only in the small moments and glimmers of what could be. 

I wouldn’t wish a narc relationship on anyone - the things he did to me and others were horrendous and I blamed myself for so long… but now I have compassion for who I was and why I did what I did. 

I reclaim the 17-30 year old me that felt trapped and lost in that delusion of a relationship I presented it to be but was anything but. I take the lessons, and I release the past so I am free.. and maybe finally open my heart to love even if just a little, in the hope that someday I will connect for real with the heart meant for me. 

Peace, love and joy

Bex