Behind Closed Doors (Part 2)

 

In continuance of my previous post about the relationship I was in there were of course, many incidents, one of which involved C going to prison at the early part of the relationship, for fraud. He stole money out of a cash box from a company he did graphic design for. 

He went to Milton Keynes Prison I think it was for a month or so - I remember marking the days off on the calendar. 

I would visit him every week, and looking back its insane to think I did that now. I lied to my Mum and sister about his time away saying he had “gone cycling in Canada” but they figured it out. Ironically at a later date after I left him I do believe he did actually cycle abroad…

Then he was locked up again several years later but this time for parking one a S.O.R.N and not paying the fine - honestly I was annoyed at this because he got away with other stuff but then got locked up for something he didn’t do - as he had actually parked his car on our allocated parking space which had a curb that separated it from the public road - and despite this he was in prison wrongly for several weeks - later being let out after his conviction was quashed - had I not seen the paperwork myself though I would probably not have believed it…

He broke into a shop in Northampton town with some of his friends, and I actually reported him to Crimestoppers despite the fact I was with him at the time. They did NOTHING despite me giving details of the incident and his name and address!!!

A few years ago I finally reported his abuse to the police as well as a technical SA/Rape whilst I was having a paralysis episode from my FND (functional neurological disorder) - but because it was historical with no evidence it wouldn’t go anywhere. 

However I made it clear I wanted the police to know in case anyone else ever reported him so it was on file. The FND unsurprisingly I developed / was triggered by the abuse in that relationship - I also still have PTSD from it. Being with C  left me terrified of men, unable to have a relationship and sick and disabled - more so that I would’ve been without the trauma and abuse. I lost my flat, my health and my sanity for a long long time. 

I have been in survival mode for so long that once I left the relationship all the repressed stuff came up and has been seemingly unending for the last 15+ years. However nowadays I feel less afraid of the past and more hopeful for the future even if only in the small moments and glimmers of what could be. 

I wouldn’t wish a narc relationship on anyone - the things he did to me and others were horrendous and I blamed myself for so long… but now I have compassion for who I was and why I did what I did. 

I reclaim the 17-30 year old me that felt trapped and lost in that delusion of a relationship I presented it to be but was anything but. I take the lessons, and I release the past so I am free.. and maybe finally open my heart to love even if just a little, in the hope that someday I will connect for real with the heart meant for me. 

Peace, love and joy

Bex

Coming Out Fully

 I’ve never been shy about talking about my fluctuating sexuality or gender identity but never fully feeling 100% in some of the labels, until now. I felt fluid in my expression so originally I though non-binary didn’t really fit me until more recently and I got a better idea of what the term actually meant more in the nuances of not relating to to how I feel in my own body. In my mind I feel non gender but my body I recognise as the sex of female. I don’t feel uncomfortable in it per se more akin to being in  a car are with certain traits.

Maybe it doesn’t really matter but the sens of dysphoria I have since a child from projected notions of boys and girls as a big fan of toys traditionally assigned as boys, like he man and transformers I never even thought about playing with them as not a typical girl thing until I was older. I love dolls and my little pony andd Care Bears too, and lots of boys and men and others love them so nowadays I feel more comrtable in myself seeing so many express what I always felt inside. I took my cue from others to help me align and define what I feel inside with my outside expression and *labels* of MY choosing. 

I feel more settled in myself now and today as I changed my pronouns to THEY THEM THEIRS with both masc. fem, and androgynous expressions I think I confidently say I feel HAPPY for the first time in my life in a way that hits DEEP on a soul level. My inner quest to know thyself feels completed in one sense and I am excited for the next stage of my life journey.

Maybe because the soul houses masc fem energies as well as all in between, and I recall fragments from  many past lives in different bodies, male, female, from other worlds even, I see my self as one being over many eons embodying many forms expressed in physical forms so I am no longer so attached to being seen in a way that others who are not yet comfortable in who they are find *appropriate& to their egos - or hiding myself out of fear of not being accepted. 

I am not responsible ultimately for others thoughts and words and actions, only my own and right now I choose to align with here I am at. Whether this changes again in the future or I remain in this cosy good vibe place for the rest of this life time remains to be seen, but for now, p[lease respect where I am at and meet me where I am, and be mindful of how you refer to me. I won’t be offended by mistakes and transphobia holds no weight with me - so if I am intentionally misgendered that’s a them problem not a me one, I will simply dis-engage.   

As non-binary falls under the transgender umbrella I do refer to myself as transgender now too, and feel I finally I have truly understood and met myself in a place I feel really matches my thoughts and feels.

Have as peaceful day folx 

Bex

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